Time to get classy

i did this. bourbon on the rocks. 

okay, not really. i cant afford bourbon. shit. i;m surprised that i can spell it. but i did feel classy. 

adjectival:

poisonedwings, nickelcobalt, reddit:

Good evening gentleman/ladies.

  1. Get out your drink of choice.
  2. open 3 tabs on your favorite browser.
  3. On the first tab
  4. On another tab
  5. On the last

please allow me to introduce myself Pt.1;


1. What bill do you hate paying the most?

Oh, god, the most expensive one. Fuck, any of them. Probably heat since I live in Chicago.  And I like my place like a sauna. Mostly because I don’t really wear clothes at home. They just feel so goddamn heavy all the time. If I’m at home, I want to be in shorty shorts and a a tank top at the most. and I HATE having to put on a bra. And my tits don’t allow me the option of not having one. So, I cant put on a shirt without putting on a bra. And if I’m not going to put on a shirt, than why in the world would I put on bottoms? See? Vicious cycle. And its even worse if someone’s over, because chances are I fucked them, and I probably slept in the nude. So if I wake up in my apartment with someone who’s already seen me naked and slept in the same bed with me, I don’t think its necessary to have on more than a robe. And if one doesn’t have on more than a thin, short, slightly slutty robe, in the harsh Chicago winter, they would be cold. 

2. Do you miss being a child?

On occasion. But I like being an adult more. I’m really excited about entering my twenties, though also scared because I know they’ll be gone in a flash. I like that I can make things happen on my own, and that I know how to take responsibility for my actions. Like, when I decided to have sex, I went on birth control. All by myself. And I’ve been dealing with that just by myself. And I’m proud of myself. Because I did the adult thing. I guess I like that I have the ability to act like an adult when some people twice my age have yet to mature into it. But, I’m still a child in a way. But that’s more as a person. I’m a little clingy, extremely over-affectionate, naive and sweet. And my mom still cover a lot of costs for me. In  way, my family really babied me, but I think I’m successful as an adult nonetheless. I really cant wait until I’ve fully mastered the art of taking care of myself so that I can be in the perfect position to take care of someone else. I’ll really enjoy that. 

3. Chore you hate the most?

I dont mind doing any chores at my place. I hate doing everything at home though. I love vaccyuuming, dusting, window washing, laundry, everything. But only at my place. I like to keep my place clean, and I’ll be damned if I dont have power cleaning sessions where I put on my mom’s kente cloth apron and just get. shit. done. I actually enjoy cleaning. I like living in an aesthetically beautiful place, and being able to be comfortable. Its a Stepford thing. I also have days where I just cook. For hours. I’ll go grocery shopping and come home and just be barefoot in the kitchen for four hours or so and make everything I possibly can. Thats what I did on Easter. And I loved every minute of it. Having three different things in the oven, two pots going on the stove… I a a fucking woman on the kitchen. My personal place in in the home. I know that. I’m happy there.I choose to make that a life for myself. And that’s all that fucking matters. 

4. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?

I’ve never been taken on a date like that. Except when I was a little girl with  my Papa. He used to take me places all the time. He’s my grandfather, but I’ve always thought of him as my dad. He was the one who took me to school and picked me up after. He was there when I got into my first car wreck, and my good, i was so happy to see him. He always called me the apple of his eye. And every time I hear a song about daddies, like Beyonce’s ‘Daddy’, Luther Vandross’ ‘Dance with my Father’, or even Lupe’s ‘He Said She Said’, I just think about how blessed I am to have him. One of the things I loved about Dylan was that he was so much like my Papa. And I’ve always wanted someone who was like my dad, my Papa. I’m a traditionalist like that. 

5. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?

I don’t think I’d change anything I’d have the power to change. I’m pretty happy with my life. I mean, sure, I wish I didn’t make so many goddamned mistakes, but I don’t believe in toying with fate. That shit is serious. Although… I do, and have always, really wish(ed) that my mother or someone had peer pressured me into continuing dance. For one, I’d be fucking hot. I think I  have a pretty good face. I have soft smooth skin that never really pimples. My tits are huge, and curves are natural. My hair is amazingly luscious, curly or straight. And as a size twelve, I think I’m generally attractive most days. But if I was half that size, I’d be beating them off with a stick. No, actually I wouldn’t. I’d probably do the opposite, which is be involved in lots of orgies. 

6. Name of your first grade teacher?

I don’t even know. I think Ms. Beck. I remember my Kindergarten teacher much better.  Because she was a complete and total bitch. I have always been remarkably affectionate, especially as a child. I loved to hug people. I used to go round after church and hug EVERYONE.Like I needed to find every single person, compliment them, and give them a hug and sometimes a kiss. They loved it. I don’t do that anymore. I wish I did, but I just don’t. I stopped around the time I graduated high school. Anyways, I used to always try to hug her. And I was probably a little clingy. I wanter her affection and attention. I was fucking five, so no shit that’s what  I wanted. But she always pushed me away. Which even now I think makes her an asshole. If you’re going to teach kindergarten, you damn sure better be fucking nice. Or at least in possession of a goddamned soul. I seriously am still so miffed about it that hen I found out a few years back that she was a breast cancer survivor I didn’t feel a smidge bad for her. I mean, the bitch lived, didnt she?

7.What do you really want to be doing right now?

I want to be in my own place, on a really cozy fresh new couch, watching tv, probably glee/the hills/the city/deadliest warrior, or some stellar movie. I’d be smoking a bowl and eating delicious homemade, handmade food american food that I didn’t have to make and I didn’t have to share. I’d be lounging around in little to nothing with a sexy man or woman (omg, or both) who totally adores me playing soduko on my back and getting ready to fuck me silly. I’d be in love, and s/he would be too. We’d have nothing to do but each other, and some decadent desert which is based around chocolate and alcohol. Indeed, I would totally be up for that next year. And I want to make it happen. Seriously, if I could get that to happen once a month, I’d be one of the happiest motherfuckers in the whole wide world.

8. What did you want to be when you grew up?

A playboy bunny. No shit. Not as a toddler or anything weird like that though I was certainly pretty, erm, interested as a super youngun. But when I was hitting puberty and I found out about playboy, I was like, ‘holy shit, that’s a career path?!’ And in all deep seriousness, I would completely be into that as a job. In fact, if I were in possession of a better body, I’d totally dance. Sex is just something I’m sort of naturally talented with and I am into the kinkiest shit. Well, maybe not the kinkiest, but I’ve yet to meet someone who matched my adventuresome nature in bed. And if I could make money off of something I enjoy and am skilled at, then I’d at least give it a shot. And being a bunny? I’d get to live in opulence and gluttony, make bank, not do jack shit, and look pretty. And those people still get to go on to get married, have  kids and basically like happily ever after. Or at lease a helluva lot happier than most of the  people in the world. 
 
9. How many colleges did you attend? 

 Technically two, I suppose. I go to UIC in Chicago, but before that, I was enrolled at a local community college back home. I was… fifteen when I took my first college class. It was drawing, and I was astounded by all that it encapsulated.I mean, most of the people were thirty and bored. It was a summer class after all, and I was such an awkward fit. I totally didn’t know what to do. I felt awkward and unwanted, but I got an A the first semester, and I completely honed my talent. And I impressed the hell out of those people. I went back for a second semester the following summer, but I didn’t enjoy it very much, and so I stopped after that. but it was enlightening, and I’m super glad my parents had me do it. I also got my first cell phone so that I could call in case class was cancelled or I was late coming out. I always felt suer awkward not being able to drive. Not that I had a licence but… 

10.Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?

I was at fucking walmart. It was cheap and looked cute. I always buy way too much chit at walmart. if I even think I have money, I’m all over that shit. Shit I don’t even fucking need. But I always come out of that place  with SOMETHING. even if its just cocoa. The Land O Lakes cocoa there is fucking majestic. I can not get enough. I even drink that shit in the summer. That;s actually how it started. the place I worked in the summer had some and why did all of the summer interns go through that shit in a week. A work week. A shortened work week. There were only three of us. And it was hot. So clearly, there is some kinda crack in that cocoa, otherwise we wouldn’t be head over heels for that chocolaty deliciousness.

11. What are your thoughts on gas prices?

I deal. I mean, I wish they were lower, but I wish everything was… Right now, I’m just lucky to have a car. Kinda. Its in the shop right now because I got into a teeny tiny fender bender. I have no ideal how long it’ll take to get fixed for starters, and how much it’ll take to pay for it. I have to get some serious dental work done this summer too, and somehow furnish an apartment. Besides, I only have to deal with automobile issues part of the year, and I don’t pay on the insurance. So, paying for gas and helping on the upkeep  is a  small price to pay for having it at my beck and call when I need it. Its a Mercedes too. Granted its almost as old as me, but its still pretty frickin sweet. 

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?

Actually, I think I’ve  been sleeping through the alarm. Fucking Dylan. I used to get up with him at seven, all year, even though I didn’t have class until nine or eleven, to talk to him. Until he stopped talking to me. Fucking Jeanette. But anyways, its summer, and so lately I’ve been sleeping till ten or eleven. I;m starting work next week though, so I gots ta  get into the habit of wakin’ up early again. I dont reallly mind though, because when I sleep in I just dont do shit. I do hate when I have to get up and I’m in the middle of a dream. My dreams are super intense and always out there. I used to dream in technicolor like a hippie. I had one were the harry Potter kids were floating in psychedelic shapes and colors on my grandparents front yard… 


13. Last thought before going to sleep last night? That I really need to sleep around. Like I really just need to have a bunch of random hook ups and summer flings for the hell of it. To get me out of my rut of unhaappiness.  On my birthday last year, I spent the day with Dylan. He met my grandparent and my little sister. We hung out with friends at Tyler’s bbq. we went to fireworks. And when I dropped him off at home, we had sex. And he told me it was the best sex he’d ever had.Which is impressive, because he’s slept with like… more than twenty people. So I felt good. And I had always assumed that I hadn’t been toped, until he started sleeping with other people. Last night, on a whim,I asked him if I was still the  best he’d had, and in not so many words, he said, no. I asked who and he said Janette. I specifically dislike Jeanette more than the others. And with all the other shit he;s been pulling this was just the last straw.  Most importantly, I’ve had a few revelations, one of which is that we’re not going to  be together forever. I give it a year, maybe two if we really stretch it, them it’ll be well played out. I used to think I;d marry him, but I don’t think that this has anywhere to  go but down. I also realized that its just sex. It doesn’t have to be anything deep.In the immortal words of my favourite uncle who was instructed to give me advice about boys before I left for university, ‘You can always separate the physical from the emotional’.  There;s a few guys that are friends of my girl Kels, and she’s got the hook up. One of them kinda drunk texted me through her phone asking me if I was down. Yessir, I am.

14. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?

I’d so much rather have dinner with the dead. I’d love to know more about my family history. We’re really racially mixed, and I’d love to hear the stories about them.  My grandfather’s family intrigues me the most. Apparently a few months ago, my grandmother, who is serious as shit about this motherfuckin genealogy on the family, came across a letter that someone had written to their child which basically said, ‘as you go into the world,some people will tell you that black folks are good. some of them are okay, but don’t be fooled, white people will always be way way better’. My great great uncle Wordie was gay in the Harlem Renaissance. I’ve seen wedding pictures of a stunningly beautiful young black bride in the 1800s and her much older groom. And the stern German woman who looks like she might’ve been willing to be a Nazi were she not living to far back in time.

15. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?

SO many times. The most embarrassing was when I was going to pick up this guy from work for a coffee date. He was a guy that I was super in love with. Silly, I know. But I trust my fifteen year old self when I said I was in love. He worked at Walgreens, and it was an honest to goodness accident. I was backing up to straighten out my parking (which, in this situation, was totally unnessecary) when this woman comes out of NOWHERE. Like, I litterally was checking before and during the backing up process, and as soon as I turn to the side to check distance between the two cars on either side of me, I hear this awful, gut wrenching noise and lo and fucking behold, there is a woman in a silver car frantic and I’m just like, ‘oh shit’. And even in the midst of cops and my mother, I still had the nerve to ask him if he still wanted to go to Starbucks.

I’m not new to tumblr. 

I’ve been on tumblr  for more than a year with a different blog. But a girl that I knew decided to get one and began following me on it. She;s not someone that I trust or like vwery much, but we used to be close, so I generally tolerate her.

But it got to a point where I noticed that I wasnt posting what I wanted to,or saying what I wanted to say. And its not fair to me to allow her to hender me in any fashion. 

In addition, I’ve undergone a lot of changes, and mad a lot of new discoveries about myself. I’m on the brink of my twenties, so I though that a  new start was in order. So:

Hello. 

Call me Lana. 

I’m a student in Chicago.

I’m bisexual (and still getting used to announcing it).

I’m mixed.

I’m a drinker and a smoker(not of cigarettes though).

I’m a lover to many, and a giver to all.

I’m ambitious and intelligent.

I’m happy where I am in life, but I know I have a long way to go.

NIGHTNIGHT by DEDDY